And all is right.

Many of you that read this, even most I would say (since there aren’t many of you), know that I moved across the country on more than just a whim. I moved to be closer to a person that joined my life a bit abruptly, but who has changed me and it in so many ways. I’ve met this amazing person. For once in my life, I can honestly say, I’m in a relationship that makes me happy. I spend a lot of time laughing and smiling. And the times that I’m not, he spends figuring a way to tickle them out of me. I thought I probably would avoid mentioning him, but he’s a huge part of my life these days and I’m really happy he is.

Amazing is a pretty big word. By big, I mean, well….it says a lot, and there is a lot to be said. Some days I want to pinch myself, wonder how I’ve gotten to this place in my life…I’ve even tried that, but it doesn’t work. So, let me elaborate on amazing. I’ve experienced a roller coaster of emotions in the last 6 months, even more so in the last year. Most of those I would say were confusing, depressing, even angering. I got divorced from a man, who I was never right for in the first place. I lost a job I loved and learned that many of the people I had trusted and cared for the most weren’t anything more than acquaintances in the long run. But as I've said before, everything happens for a reason and there is a silver lining to everything. He is my silver lining.

I've never been so excited about a person in my life. I've never looked forward to waking up each morning and seeing someone next to me. Suddenly, the smallest things in the world matter the most. A kiss on the forehead, a hug, an I love you...I live for these small moments now...these small moments that make my life right. When I look back on the last 6 or so months, it's not the tears or the loss of friends, or any of the hurt that stands out to me. It's these small moments I have been able to share with this wonderful man that is in my life. It's the late night TV shows, the laughing uncontrollably, the family get togethers....I think of these things and I smile and I thank God that I'm at this place in my life.

Creatures of Habit

Humans are such creatures of habit. Habits are comfortable. They let us get into a pattern, healthy or not, and continue us on the path that we are on. Habits keep us from changing, keep us from heading down another path.

I am a creature of habit. I have this ring I wear now. After my divorce, one of the first things I did was find a ring I liked, and put it back on. At first I wore a ring on my left hand, but middle finger. Then I changed rings to one I could "fiddle" with more. Something I could rotate on my finger when I was deep in thought, upset or nervous. I started wearing it on my right hand, and still every day start with that ring on the right hand, but low and behold, by the end of the day, I notice that without thought, that ring has relocated to my left ring finger. I look like I'm married. People ask if I got married or if I am getting married (I'm not.) Because I'm a creature of habit, and I was married for a few years, I automatically place my ring back on my left ring finger. I still haven't accepted all the change. It still feels comfortable, as a symbol, not a relationship.

I'm going to break the habit, complete that part of my life, let it go. That ring means so much more, and it's moving, back to the right hand, until I'm ready for the left again in my life.

Mistakes

I spend a ton of time in the car. I always have really, it's my alone time, my place to think, sing, cry...my car is my place. Lately I've been thinking about the mistakes I've made in my life. Not only my mistakes, but the mistakes the people in my life have made as well. I'm obviously not going to share the list I've compiled of all the things that qualify as mistakes from my past, but the more I think about them, and think about the person I've become, the more I wonder if there really is such a thing as a mistake.

So every morning, I get in the car, find the right song, and start thinking about this dilemma. There are things I wish had never happened in my life. Decisions I made, decisions others made that directly impacted my life greatly. But I'm pretty happy with the person I am. I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm resilient. Every "mistake" I made in the past made me the person I am today. You can't change one moment in your past and remain the same person you are now. You wouldn't know the same things, you wouldn't have the same characteristics, even the people you have in your life...there's no guarantee they would be there anymore. The road that led you to where you are, regardless of how ugly or backwards it may have been, got you here, and led you to whatever people you care about in your life. I wouldn't trade my people for anything. They were worth all that ugly.

The other half of this "mistake" dilemma, at least for me, is forgiving others' pasts. I seem to think that my past should be left in the past but that I can throw others' in their face when I want. I've had to learn that's not okay. The people you love, that you've surrounded yourself with, you might not love them so much if they hadn't made those mistakes. Again, are they even really mistakes? They made them who they are, got them on their road to you, and ultimately are the reason they are in your life at all.

Life's funny. Enjoy the journey. Cherish the mistakes.

Perception really is REALITY

I know everyone has heard the phrase "perception is reality" a thousand times, but I think I just started believing it. For example, I was always completely, one hundred percent against divorce. If anyone had asked me what I thought of divorce, I would of told them "I don't believe in it". For a long time, in my what most would call "brief" marriage, I tried to make it work because I didn't believe in divorce. I thought that two people, as wrong as they could possibly be for each other, could make it work...against all odds. It's just not true.

So, I say, perception really is reality. My perception of divorce totally changed when I realized that I had made the mistake of my life by getting married to someone to which I was completely incompatible. I don't think my mistake was the divorce, but rather the marriage itself. I wanted so badly to live the "American Dream". Husband, job, house, kids...the whole nine yards. I wanted it, until I pretty much had it (minus the kids, thank God), because who I had it with, wasn't who I should have had it with. I'm not sure if our relationship fell apart before or after the marriage began. I'm not even sure we ever had a good relationship. What I am sure of is that I made the absolute right decision by ending our marriage.

As with many things in my life, I am learning you can't pass judgment or really have an opinion on some things, until you are in the position to make those decisions. You only live once and everyone has a right to love and be loved in their lifetime. No one deserves to be trapped in any sort of situation or relationship for the entirety of their life, just because they once upon a time thought they could "make it work". I'm not saying marriage isn't work, any relationship worth anything is...but both people should be "working" and in the end, it should be worth all the effort.

So, again, I say, Perception is Reality. My reality is that I married the wrong person. I don't believe divorce should be used as a means to an end, but that you really should marry the person you can't live without. The person that makes everything in the world around you stop. Everyone should marry the love of their life, or have the chance to and I hope we all find that person.

To Everything There is a Season

It seems that as with the seasons, my life has changed. It's changed over and over again lately. Never one day the same as the next. I feel perpetually caught in between the joy and excitement of not knowing what's coming next and the absolute fear I have of not having my life planned out before me. Something about being 25, newly divorced, recently unemployed and moving entirely across the country on a whim, makes me a little uncomfortable. I guess kudos to me for stepping outside of my comfort zone.

Six months ago, I wasn't happy, but I would've claimed that I had an idea of where my life would be 10 years down the road. These days, I don't know what my life will hold next week, nevermind next month, or next year. I have placed my faith in the notion that all things happen for a reason...and whatever that reason may be, I am tethered to it...at least for the time being.