Creatures of Habit

Humans are such creatures of habit. Habits are comfortable. They let us get into a pattern, healthy or not, and continue us on the path that we are on. Habits keep us from changing, keep us from heading down another path.

I am a creature of habit. I have this ring I wear now. After my divorce, one of the first things I did was find a ring I liked, and put it back on. At first I wore a ring on my left hand, but middle finger. Then I changed rings to one I could "fiddle" with more. Something I could rotate on my finger when I was deep in thought, upset or nervous. I started wearing it on my right hand, and still every day start with that ring on the right hand, but low and behold, by the end of the day, I notice that without thought, that ring has relocated to my left ring finger. I look like I'm married. People ask if I got married or if I am getting married (I'm not.) Because I'm a creature of habit, and I was married for a few years, I automatically place my ring back on my left ring finger. I still haven't accepted all the change. It still feels comfortable, as a symbol, not a relationship.

I'm going to break the habit, complete that part of my life, let it go. That ring means so much more, and it's moving, back to the right hand, until I'm ready for the left again in my life.

Mistakes

I spend a ton of time in the car. I always have really, it's my alone time, my place to think, sing, cry...my car is my place. Lately I've been thinking about the mistakes I've made in my life. Not only my mistakes, but the mistakes the people in my life have made as well. I'm obviously not going to share the list I've compiled of all the things that qualify as mistakes from my past, but the more I think about them, and think about the person I've become, the more I wonder if there really is such a thing as a mistake.

So every morning, I get in the car, find the right song, and start thinking about this dilemma. There are things I wish had never happened in my life. Decisions I made, decisions others made that directly impacted my life greatly. But I'm pretty happy with the person I am. I'm strong, I'm smart, I'm resilient. Every "mistake" I made in the past made me the person I am today. You can't change one moment in your past and remain the same person you are now. You wouldn't know the same things, you wouldn't have the same characteristics, even the people you have in your life...there's no guarantee they would be there anymore. The road that led you to where you are, regardless of how ugly or backwards it may have been, got you here, and led you to whatever people you care about in your life. I wouldn't trade my people for anything. They were worth all that ugly.

The other half of this "mistake" dilemma, at least for me, is forgiving others' pasts. I seem to think that my past should be left in the past but that I can throw others' in their face when I want. I've had to learn that's not okay. The people you love, that you've surrounded yourself with, you might not love them so much if they hadn't made those mistakes. Again, are they even really mistakes? They made them who they are, got them on their road to you, and ultimately are the reason they are in your life at all.

Life's funny. Enjoy the journey. Cherish the mistakes.